The president passed the Sudan divestment proposal! This meeting was probably one of the most important of my time at Macalester, but I slept through my alarm and showed up fifteen minutes late in my pajamas, soaked to the bone from the pouring rain. The president happens to be a pretty compassionate soul, though, and is prepared to defend it in front of the Trustees. I have my fingers crossed.

I got to talk about the community banking scheme at a conference at Columbia University a few weeks ago. The Responsible Endowments Coalition is such an inspiring group of people--there is nothing wrong with getting sucked into the firey vortex of non-profit entrepreneurship. Visiting New York was mildly unsettling, though, because I saw a number of old friends who are really not so happy.

Saturday I went to the St. Paul Art Crawl, where all of the artists who live in subsidized studio apartments in the warehouse district open up their places to display everything they've got. It always inspires me because you can see the artist within their own living space, and sort of gain some insight as to how their work fits into their personal lives. A lot of the work is really nothing spectacular--some of it is downright atrocious--but you can see that you don't have to be anything special to be an artist. Art only requires the courage to embrace one's imperfection and withstand the criticism of the public. We watched people spin fire in the street and then made it across town to see Bladerunner. After Josh showed me Star Trek, I am reluctantly acknowledging the virtues of science fiction. Am I turning to the dark side?

Here is a second-hand quote from the mouth of Cynthia, a mechanic who helps to fix up bikes for people at the Center of Victims of Torture. One CVT client who had spent seven years in in an Iraqi jail said this:

“When I ride my bike I can go North, South, East or West. I can go as far as I want and as long as I want. And when I’m tired I can lay in the grass and look up at the sky.”

I realized that I am always too afraid to actually share any of my song lyrics with anyone. Particularly in writing because a lot of things just need to be said out loud in order to avoid sounding trite. Read the song "Imagine" sometime and you'll know what I mean. Anyway, I have also decided that I want to take more risks in life and do things I otherwise don't do, so here goes--just about every song I've written. Because I really hate being cryptic, I've included artists' statements for them all. In chronological order, going backwards.

Written yesterday, about weighing the decision of staying in one place or moving on, deciding what to do next, as well as some more metaphysical mumbo jumbo:

Headlights flash the walls of my room
I've waited for God to come back home
When will I decide to fold
Place all of my bets on the unknown
I'll go gentle into that good night
Good night my friends good night

C Am
Out there on the road I realized
C Am
There is a dark space behind my eyes
F G C
I'd like to puncture the silver screen
F G C
Between me and everything
F G C
An inch wide a mile deep
An irreparable leak

chorus
C F C G C
But my Mississippi memories are just memories now
And my broken zipper jacket kept me warm somehow
C F Am G
I'd like to see what there is to see
But after a while even my suitcase feels like a ball and chain
I step outside myself and choreograph another revolution inside me

How can I break my chains
If I can feel them pulsing through my veins
The pavement here grows soft around my feet
I find it difficult to leave
But I'll shape the past into what I need
My lies will set me free

Chorus

***********************

Song about everyone in our apartment and our idealism (from a couple of weeks ago):

E A E A E A D A
I'm a demolition derby, kinda swervy, self-destructive and pretty curvy but
I say clear and loud, join me now
D
Maybe tomorrow we can stop the war
F C F C
I live on the high dive
F D G
And I always swallow fortune cookies whole

I'm a dumpster-loving vegan, take my chances, I notice all the sin that we are living in
But here me now, clear and loud
Maybe tomorrow we'll find something more
And I'm on the drive side; I'm threaded backwards so I won't fall out

We pick all our battles but we fight the good fight
And sooner or later we'll find out if we're right
They say good intentions are the sure way to hell
But surrender ideas and you surrender yourself

I'm a sappy sentimental fool, Always so enthused
About exactly what I'm still confused but I say
Clear and loud, join us now, maybe tomorrow we can save the world
Feel, feel me free wheel
I am coasting towards the great unknown below

chorus

I'm the guy that's sleeping on the couch,
Please don't kick me out
Maybe if i cut my hair you'd hear me out
But I say clear and loud, join us now
Maybe tomorrow you won't drive your car
Run, from the fiction of inevitable suburban white male life

Chorus


**************************************************

Song (kind of) about/for/to my Mom and wanting to make her proud and be close to her after i graduate and before we die

You said these clothes can turn me inside out
They put my deepest fear on my shallowest out
And now I feel I'm facing the future
Like a deer welcoming the headlights
Whether it's nature or nurture
Either way I'm idle at a green light
I've been told you're never too old
To break your mother's heart
But did you defy her gravity
Right from the start

I dreamed that scientists dug our backyard
They found our skeletons just as they are and
Now I just can't shake the feeling
That the ground is growing up around us
And as I pray to the cieling
The prayer I'm writing isn't all about us
My brow is knit, knits me together
I want to come undone
But am I brave, like you am I brave
Enough to be no one

Blow,
Blow, blow bugle blow
Because boy when you play, I melt into the ground

Telephone wires may break my fall
They tie us together like they tore us apart
From the time that I learned to speak
I've repeated whatever you have spoken
Is that my victory or defeat
Will the circle forever be unbroken

Your hallelujahs still echo through the attic
When my eurekas have all gone stale
Your sense of wonder could topple my Goliath
If I could only learn to exhale

chorus

You know that girl who works the turnpike toll
Watches thousands roll in and thousands they go
She knows the stream will flow beyond the day she takes her dying breath
Still she continues to reach out
Does she notice the lonely one that's left

Blow, blow
Blow bugle blow
Because boy when you play I melt into the ground


************************

Song written in November, when I got fed up with a) activism and b) arrogant philosophical talk, and decided that I was going to believe in God even if it doesn't make sense:

Bm C A E
Sometimes, sometimes my tracks are invisible
See my feet can't change these unlivable streets
Well I'd like to be seen
If I fall and no one's around
Do I, do I make a sound....Well i'd rather be seen
White lies, white flags, what's the difference when you're in the ambulance and that's what you need
Call me naieve, call me yellow, I might be dreaming but deep among the flowers on her grave, I saw a compass rose

G D C Em
I sure would like to be the simple kind of person that still believes

I quit, turned in my jersey, to all my fellow advocates of the devil i'm sorry, my apologies
My peace of mind isn't mine, the world was spinning so fast it made me dizzy and I fell down on my knees
I don't think it's so bad that I surrendered all the arrogance that I had

God loves me, he loves me not, the petals fall, I'm critical but
There's enough, there's enough to go around to go around

I cast my nets far and wide only to find that I'm the one who's hook line and sinker caught from the inside
My big mouth swallowed my pride; the sanctuary that seemed so arbitrary ain't so bad, they've got something right
I ran to the moral high ground because it feels like there's enough room to turn around

Don't get me wrong, I'm not so sure that our society's unexamined piety is healthy for our imperfect souls
Still I'd like an explanation; I can't remember how I got so familiar with all of these Great Unknowns

There's enough, there's enough to go around

*************************************************************

At the beginning of this year, returning from being abroad, about plans/people/ideas being uncertain:

I left the East to embrace the West
I expected applause for my confessions
I can show you how to pirouette as you evolve
If you can show me how to peel this flower off the wall
I like to think that my soul will rise up through Minnesota's open skies
Still, I'd like to know, are they as open as I was told

Darling won't you draw the blinds because
Every morning is a second try
I can show you how to miss someone before they're gone
If you can show me how to fake it all along
I like to think that I could recognize what's communicated by your eyes
Still, I'd like to know, was this as real as your eyes told me so

I'll conform to
What I'm told to
Until you rebel
But if our solutions are revolutions
Only time will tell

As time turns my curves to lines
Will my questions become my exclamations
I can show you how to know when you've figured it all out
If you can show me how to keep your foot out of your mouth
Every book I ever seem to start
Before I'm done they always fall apart
Still, I'd like to know, is this as true as those words told me so

chorus

I see you waving 'cross the river wide
I'll be the bridge across the great divide
Still, I'd like to know, is this as worth it as I was told

(did you get the part about the question mark and the exclamation point?)

***************************************************************

And the inevitable break-up songs, kind of jumbled up and not about one person:

Waitress please can I have some coffee
We laugh as she passes you by
My darling you speak so softly it's no wonder, no wonder why
Boy if you know what you want you are more fortunate than the rest of us
But what's the price of acting nonchalant, dignity ruins the best of us

All I wanted was to sift through your records
I find things you never knew you had
All of a sudden it seems I've worn out my welcome but
You said my omelettes weren't that bad

In April you always said that we could make out eight days a week
How were you such a good kisser with your tongue in your cheek
Well your doorbell's broken and you don't have a phone
And your front gate threatens to take a limb
Still I know that you're waiting for me
Your porch light's on even though it's dim

I can't pretend to be so complicated
Even though I like to think that I am
All I'd like is to drink champagne naked
Dance the foxtrot on the parking ramp

My crystal ball has gotten cloudy
Predicting the weather isn't my forte
If you want to know which way the wind is blowing
stick your hand out the window and see what you feel

My darling, I knew it was over it was over from the start
Oh darling the telephone's silence is enough to break my heart
Do you think that it's kinder to leave me hanging
Than to exit swiftly from this awkward doubt
What we'll both be thinking while the screen door's banging is
What the hell was this all about

Chorus

I don't know where we're going
You've got your hands on the wheel
I was content to wander but you were too good to be real

So chew your bagel
let the traffic roll past
Be here now and let go
Oh, all I know is, every hour we're growing old

Chorus

**************************************
sappy love song (i hate love songs, i am sad this came out of me)

C F
I am a hotel painting
Always entertaining sleepy strangers passing through
You're still a continent unexplored
you are the secret beneath my floorboards
I know that I don't need you, I never tried to please you, I know that I am happy alone

In photos I hid my shameful body from the judgement of the future
I am tearing out the sutures with these albums
Did you get the letter I never sent
Did you figure out that we're not meant to be
I know it's water under the bridge but I'd burn all my, I'd burn all my bridges for you

I just can't think about you so, I try not to think about you
Some things are sink or swim
But I'd jump back in again
It's like I'm breathing underwater
Breathing underwater

The sunlight spilled across the bedroom floor
I'm trying to clean it up with darker thoughts
Can't you see me hesitate at the door
Can't you feel our organs growing older
I know that I don't need you
I never tried to please you
I know that I am happy alone

Chorus
****************

one i wrote when i had a really bad day fall sophomore year and i wanted to go home

once again i was late this morning
pissed off my roommate and lost my keys
i'm sorry i forgot your birthday
all i produce are apologies

my god get me out of this place
or give me some of that amazing grace
what i'd do for a sense of direction
i once was lost, now i've run aground

winter's long here in minnesota
my heart is warmer when i'm back east
i know they say the grass is always greener
but there, there's grass at least

the road to hell is paved with good intentions
i've seen fire and some brimstone
i'm disappointed with my own reflection
the s cold november chills me to the bone

and then there's a happier verse but i don't remember what it is!

something about blooming where you're planted.


**********************************************

one more that i wrote at camp, about how sometimes other people can see beauty in your faults

Every time you're revved up you stall out
And you always wish that you'd shut your big fat mouth
They told you not to stare at the sun
And now it seems you're paying for all you've done
Oh I heard tell that you'd forgotten how to forgive yourself
Oh Breath deep because you can't see the forest for all the trees

you marvel at the goldfish in my pond
Do they do the same or just stare up at the great beyond
Oh have you found your reciprocal
And do you you ever wonder, a little
Oh your ships come in but they always set sail right back out again
Oh you were so close playing marco polo with your purpose

oh you mean, you mean, you mean a lot to me

every time i see a highway overpass sign
saying happy birthday or will you be mine
oh how i wish i could give one to you
but i never know where you've ben or where you're going to
oh let's roll to where patsy croons on the radio
oh let's go where the sweet summer air moves soft and slow

oh you mean, you mean, you mean a lot to me

*****************************************************
this one i'm very ashamed of, but i am being brave and putting it on here. i wrote it i think in high school after i read 'cat's cradle' by kurt vonnegut, kind of saying that we should all believe whatever we want to instead of searching for the truth because life is mroe pleasant that way

you woke up late this morning, saw the day was dawning and you panic because it's quarter to eight
but you let up on the gas because your clock's ten minutes fast
you trick yourself so you won't be late
*can't remember the next two lines*

believe what you need to rise gladly in the morning
believe what you need to have sweet dreams
beleive what you need to have a damn fine day
because these white lies are just too good to miss

when you're six feet underground you'll feel without a sound that you've been to see a two thumbs up movie
that played on a silver screen that was just the silver lining of a great big cloud that goes as far as you can see
do you remember the day when you convinced yourself that the monsters under your bed weren't real
well someday soon they'll be in your room asking hey man, what was the deal

well you've been rowing and rowing and rowing and rowing
your boat for so long you could scream
you'll rest your weary bones to realize all alone that this life was just a dream

my denial is not just a river in egypt
it surely belongs in my biography's manuscript
*****************************************************************
And the queen of cheesiness of them all, written when i was sixteen about learning how to not compare myself to other people. this is very tough; i am wincing as i write:

I've seen seventeen halloweens
i am sixty six inches tall
and i know that it's above average
but sometimes i don't feel that tall at all

i am more than the sum of my parts
there is gold in all our hearts

my area code is 410
and my shoe size is a nine
i've had seven state misdemeanors
but i'm really quite benign

i've got eleven freckles on my left arm
i sure do like two lumps in my tea
my BAC might be zero
but i'm not known for sobriety

I just started a new job at a cooperatively-managed bike shop over in Minneapolis. I'm enjoying it; I really like the people there. They aren't pretentious, as one would guess. I am still not really convinced about the whole expensive bike thing, though. Sure, there are differences between parts, but usually not enough difference to really warrant a $1000 gap on the price tags. Nor do I really understand why people pride themselves on their knowledge of these expensive parts. Working at a store that definitely does not make bicycling accessible to people with less money makes me really appreciate Sibley. I understand how it fits into the scene a little better now.

I am sick of bikes!

In other news, I am about 95% sure that I want to put off the full-time internship/ career-starting move. If I can make the money work, I want to either go on a bike tour of organic farms around the US (maybe cross the country?) or travel in southeast asia and India. I admit that I am terrified. Seeing my friends around me take on jobs in high positions makes me anxious. I'm worried that I will drift around in a directionless, resume-damning funk for years if I don't hit the ground running. However, a dream I had last night makes me realize how precious my current freedom is--I can run off and do anything, with no time limit (only money limits) and no obligations to anyone but myself. I've never been in this position before, and I may never be in it again. I want to take advantage of it. I would like to think that as soon as this gets old, I will have both the will and the means to really really look for a job job. I know that I will not allow myself to grow stagnant. In truth I really only run the risk of ending up in my parents' basement, unhappy and alone for a few months before setting off on my power-woman path.